August 25, 2009
The Three Keys to Building Great Marriages
Building a great marriage is a skill. It is something that we learn. It is not a skill that we’re born with.
Having a marriage that really works takes an incredible amount of personal growth, and sometimes, that growth is uncomfortable. However, having learned from master teachers to create a powerful, loving marriage, we’ve found that building a wonderful marriage is less complicated than we had thought.
There are three keys to building a great marriage that will wipe out many, many problems. That way, you and your spouse can concentrate on the real issues without being distracted by everyday mistakes that married couples make. Remember: it is always easier to avoid pitfalls than it is to climb out of them.
Key to Building Great Marriages #1: Identify Quickly When One of You Are Picking A Fight – Spouses picking fights with one another is a very common occurrence. Life can be incredibly stressful, and picking a fight with one’s spouse is a great way to distract ourselves from the frustrations or worries of the day.
It sounds silly, but this is what we do. It is sometimes more comfortable for us to fight than it is to face situations that we see no solution for. When my husband and I begin to argue, we’ve practiced asking ourselves: “Am I just trying to pick a fight?” If we both truly ask ourselves that, then usually one or both of us admit that we are.
Here’s the important part of this practice, however. If one person admits to starting a fight, don’t keep fighting. The instigating party can apologize and the argument can stop. If either of you feels compelled to keep fighting, or to exact revenge for the other starting a fight, then take some time apart to cool down. On occasion, we’re usually so wrapped up in the emotion of the moment, we can’t let things go. This is a great time to say, out loud, to your spouse, “I seem to be really argumentative. I’m going to take a moment to go on a walk, or go cool off. I’ll be back when I’m more calm.” The more you practice this, the better you’ll become at fending off useless arguments.
Key to Building Great Marriages #2: Set Goals, then Make a Plan, Follow It, and Update It Together – Many marriages stagnate because the couple has no goals. Goals are a wonderful was of guiding us through very tough times and helping us to grow personally. Life demands that we grow. We can either be dragged along, kicking and screaming, or we can take on our own growth and reap incredible rewards.
Couples that set goals together and make plans to reach those goals can then rely upon their plans to see them through tough times. It’s easy to get sloppy and flounder around when we don’t have a plan. When we’re sloppy, petty things bother us and we get lost in the minutia of life. When we have goals, things are put in their proper perspective.
The old saying is true: we often overestimate what we can accomplish is the short term, but we greatly underestimate what we can accomplish in the long term. It is gratifying to look back at a two year period and realize the progress you’ve made as a couple.
But remember to follow the plan and update it regularly. This takes some discipline, but it is well worth it. You’ll find that you make progress much faster together than you could alone. This builds a sense of trust, confidence, and partnership between spouses that grows throughout the years.
Key to Building Great Marriages #3: Each Month, Both Spouses Ask the Other, “What is the one thing I can do to help you with our goals this month?” – As spouses, we often assume that our significant other should know what we need. But often, they don’t. It is much better to actually communicate.
Sometimes, we can handle their request with ease. Other times, their answer may uncover a problem that has yet to be resolved. For instance, if one spouse needs a lot of time to work on a project and the other spouse feels too tired to help, then there are issues to look at. Does the tired spouse need some time to recover from too much work and stress? Or is the tiredness being caused by feeling hopeless?
Whatever the issue, if there is resistance by one spouse to do as requested by the other, this is a great opportunity to bring out a hidden problem and deal with it.
Building great marriages is not easy, but it is amazingly rewarding and will bring joy to you and your family. Good luck.
By: Dr. Isabella Santorini
Having a marriage that really works takes an incredible amount of personal growth, and sometimes, that growth is uncomfortable. However, having learned from master teachers to create a powerful, loving marriage, we’ve found that building a wonderful marriage is less complicated than we had thought.
There are three keys to building a great marriage that will wipe out many, many problems. That way, you and your spouse can concentrate on the real issues without being distracted by everyday mistakes that married couples make. Remember: it is always easier to avoid pitfalls than it is to climb out of them.
Key to Building Great Marriages #1: Identify Quickly When One of You Are Picking A Fight – Spouses picking fights with one another is a very common occurrence. Life can be incredibly stressful, and picking a fight with one’s spouse is a great way to distract ourselves from the frustrations or worries of the day.
It sounds silly, but this is what we do. It is sometimes more comfortable for us to fight than it is to face situations that we see no solution for. When my husband and I begin to argue, we’ve practiced asking ourselves: “Am I just trying to pick a fight?” If we both truly ask ourselves that, then usually one or both of us admit that we are.
Here’s the important part of this practice, however. If one person admits to starting a fight, don’t keep fighting. The instigating party can apologize and the argument can stop. If either of you feels compelled to keep fighting, or to exact revenge for the other starting a fight, then take some time apart to cool down. On occasion, we’re usually so wrapped up in the emotion of the moment, we can’t let things go. This is a great time to say, out loud, to your spouse, “I seem to be really argumentative. I’m going to take a moment to go on a walk, or go cool off. I’ll be back when I’m more calm.” The more you practice this, the better you’ll become at fending off useless arguments.
Key to Building Great Marriages #2: Set Goals, then Make a Plan, Follow It, and Update It Together – Many marriages stagnate because the couple has no goals. Goals are a wonderful was of guiding us through very tough times and helping us to grow personally. Life demands that we grow. We can either be dragged along, kicking and screaming, or we can take on our own growth and reap incredible rewards.
Couples that set goals together and make plans to reach those goals can then rely upon their plans to see them through tough times. It’s easy to get sloppy and flounder around when we don’t have a plan. When we’re sloppy, petty things bother us and we get lost in the minutia of life. When we have goals, things are put in their proper perspective.
The old saying is true: we often overestimate what we can accomplish is the short term, but we greatly underestimate what we can accomplish in the long term. It is gratifying to look back at a two year period and realize the progress you’ve made as a couple.
But remember to follow the plan and update it regularly. This takes some discipline, but it is well worth it. You’ll find that you make progress much faster together than you could alone. This builds a sense of trust, confidence, and partnership between spouses that grows throughout the years.
Key to Building Great Marriages #3: Each Month, Both Spouses Ask the Other, “What is the one thing I can do to help you with our goals this month?” – As spouses, we often assume that our significant other should know what we need. But often, they don’t. It is much better to actually communicate.
Sometimes, we can handle their request with ease. Other times, their answer may uncover a problem that has yet to be resolved. For instance, if one spouse needs a lot of time to work on a project and the other spouse feels too tired to help, then there are issues to look at. Does the tired spouse need some time to recover from too much work and stress? Or is the tiredness being caused by feeling hopeless?
Whatever the issue, if there is resistance by one spouse to do as requested by the other, this is a great opportunity to bring out a hidden problem and deal with it.
Building great marriages is not easy, but it is amazingly rewarding and will bring joy to you and your family. Good luck.
By: Dr. Isabella Santorini
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About the Author:
Dr. Isabella Santorini used to have a marriage that was fine, but it certainly wasn’t fantastic. She learned about creating a great marriage from a master at marriage. Since then, her relationship with her husband has flowered into a powerful partnership. Learn from the person who taught Dr. Isabella:
http://mbguevara.savemarria.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=SMM06
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